Creating a Space For the Grieving Mother
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
As we embrace the arrival of October, it's not only a new month but also a significant time of reflection. October marks the beginning of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time when we pay special attention to the unique challenges and experiences faced by individuals and families who have encountered the heartbreaking loss of a child through stillbirth, miscarriage, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), or any other cause during pregnancy or infancy. In our Muslim community, where compassion and support are integral to our values, this month offers us a meaningful opportunity to come together. It provides a platform for those who have suffered such losses to openly discuss their beloved child and seek comfort in knowing they are not alone in their grief. It's a time when our faith and community bonds can serve as a source of strength and solace for those in need.
My Personal Experience as a Grieving Mother
The journey of grief is one that few can truly comprehend until they find themselves walking its agonizing path. For me, this journey began on a seemingly ordinary Monday, when the contractions announced the imminent arrival of my long-awaited baby. Little did I know that the joyous anticipation would soon be shattered by an unfathomable tragedy, forever altering the course of my life.
At 41 weeks pregnant, as the contractions intensified, I felt a mix of excitement and preparedness. I hastily called my husband and grabbed my pre-packed hospital bag, convinced that this was it. Rushing into the Labor and Delivery wing of the hospital, I was blissfully unaware that my life was about to take a drastic turn. But a few minutes later, hooked up to monitors, a glance at the nurse's face revealed that something just wasn’t right. Dread began to creep in as I questioned the unspoken anxiety. Soon, an ultrasound confirmed the unthinkable — my baby's heart had stopped beating. The world around me spiraled into chaos as doctors exchanged worried glances and words like "gone" and "sorry" pierced through the fog of disbelief.
In the depths of that heart-wrenching moment, I learned her gender. I was carrying a little baby girl. She, my daughter, was gone before I even had a chance to hold her. My heart shattered further. With a soul-rending ache, I surrendered to the harsh reality that my cherished baby girl had left me. The plans, the hopes, and the dreams I had nurtured were abruptly extinguished, leaving an empty void in their wake.
In the aftermath of loss, I found myself grappling with the daunting prospect of saying goodbye to my beloved child. Amidst the numbing pain, the hospital unexpectedly became a source of solace. They captured moments of her existence through photographs and hand and foot molds, allowing me to hold her and say my farewells. Even in my darkest hours, their support, books and resources, and compassionate gestures helped ease the unbearable weight of grief. Yet, beyond the hospital's embrace, I encountered a jarring contrast — a world where compassion intertwined with insensitivity.
Friends and family rallied around me, offering the strength to carry out the burial and janazah [funeral prayer] for my precious Asiya Meriam. Their presence during the janazah and the tender care they provided were a lifeline, but the aftermath of my daughter's passing revealed a disparity within my community. Opinions and judgments echoed, casting a shadow on my grief. Critics questioned the validity of performing a janazah for my baby girl, withheld the comfort of a mourning period, and offered unsolicited advice about my future plans. The pain of loss was further compounded by the ignorance and insensitivity of some who claimed to understand. I heard comments like, “Why didn’t you go to the hospital sooner? You could have saved your baby girl!” and “It’s okay, you’ll have more, you’ve just gotta move on from this.”
Amidst the confusion, I longed for guidance from Muslim scholars who could offer clarity and solace. The absence of a unified response left me to follow my heart, leading me to make decisions based on instinct rather than certainty.
In the face of heartrending loss, I discovered a community both compassionate and flawed, a faith both comforting and uncertain. My journey through grief revealed the power of unity and the need for empathy.
It reminded me that the pain of losing a child is universal, transcending cultural and religious boundaries. The journey is arduous, but within it lies an unwavering strength that propels us forward, toward acceptance, healing, and the eternal love we hold for our precious ones, both on this earth and in the hereafter.
Examples of Those Who Came Before
Establishing a connection with those who preceded me has proven invaluable in guiding me through my grief, both in the immediate aftermath and even years down the road. Undoubtedly, it holds significant importance to commemorate and contemplate the losses endured by Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), Khadijah (RA), their family, and other early members of the Muslim community. Such remembrance underscores the human dimension of their lives and imparts invaluable lessons on coping with grief and loss.
The losses of Qasim and Abdullah, the first and last sons of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) and Khadijah (RA), remind us of the fragility of life and the pain of losing loved ones. It shows that even the Prophet (ﷺ) and his family experienced the profound sorrow of losing children in early childhood. This serves as a reminder that everyone, regardless of their status or position, will face trials and tribulations in life and that loss is part of the human condition.
The miscarriage of Zaynab (RA) during her journey of Hijra and the subsequent loss of her infant son, Ali, not only highlight the challenges faced by early Muslims but also serve as a powerful testament to the remarkable resilience they exhibited in the face of profound adversity. Zaynab's ability to endure such emotional and physical hardships during a pivotal moment in Islamic history underscores the inner strength and unwavering faith that characterized the early Muslim community. Their ability to persevere through such heartbreaking trials exemplifies their resilience, their unwavering commitment to their faith, and their remarkable capacity to find hope and purpose even in the most trying of circumstances. These examples continue to inspire us to cultivate similar resilience in our own lives when faced with the trials and tribulations that come our way.
The passing of Ibrahim, the final son of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), is a poignant reminder of the emotional pain that accompanies the loss of a child. The Prophet's (ﷺ) expression of grief and his tears during this difficult time underscore the importance of allowing oneself and the community to mourn and process their emotions. As narrated in Sahih al-Bukhari (Hadith 1303), the Prophet (ﷺ) said, "The eyes shed tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord. O Ibrahim! Indeed, we are grieved by your departure." This Hadith serves as a valuable lesson in acknowledging and dealing with grief in a healthy and compassionate manner, demonstrating that even the Prophet (ﷺ) himself openly expressed his grief and allowed his community to share in that emotional process.
These stories from early Islamic history serve as poignant reminders of the humanity of our beloved Prophet (ﷺ) and his family, emphasizing the vital role of compassion and support within the Muslim community. Our history underscores the importance of empathetic understanding when individuals and families within the community encounter loss, recognizing that grieving is a natural and essential process.
These narratives bear witness to the strength and resilience of the early Muslim community, offering profound inspiration to contemporary Muslims confronting their own trials and losses today. They empower me to share my own journey through grief, knowing that it can serve as a wellspring of strength and solace for others.
Advice to the Community: Supporting Grieving Parents Through Infant Loss, Stillbirth and Miscarriage
In our community, it is vital to extend empathy, understanding, and Islamic principles of compassion when providing support to parents navigating the tumultuous waters of infant loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage. These experiences require a delicate approach rooted in our faith's teachings and a deep well of compassion. Here are some essential points to consider:
1. Educate Yourself: One out of four women lose a baby during pregnancy, delivery or infancy. Remember this as you interact with women, knowing one out of every four women you meet have endured the loss of a child. Be sensitive and be ready. It is fard al-kiffayah [an obligation on the community] for a community member to know and understand the fiqh [Islamic rulings] of these losses. Familiarize yourself with verses of the Quran that encourage parents who may be grieving. Fill yourself with the beautiful words of the Prophet (ﷺ) that reassure grieving parents. One hadith that still keeps me going over 10 years after losing Asiya Meriam is the one that reminds us that the children we have lost are in paradise under the care of Prophet Ibrahim (AS). [Bukhari 7047] This knowledge will enable you to offer comforting insights to parents in their time of need. (Visit ribaat.rabata.org to begin or continue your journey of Islamic knowledge.)
2. Show Genuine Empathy: Approach grieving parents with genuine empathy and a willingness to listen. Avoid minimizing their pain or offering platitudes. Acknowledge their feelings and allow them the space to express their grief without judgment.
3. Be Mindful of Timing: Consider the timing of your interactions. Grieving parents may need some space immediately following their loss. Reach out with kindness when you sense they might be ready to talk or seek support.
4. Offer Your Presence: A simple presence can provide immense comfort. Sometimes, a quiet, understanding friend is more valuable than a string of words. Being there to offer a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on can make a world of difference.
5. Respect Their Journey: Recognize that each person's grief journey is unique. Some parents may find solace in religious practices, while others might need more time to connect with their faith. Respect their choices and provide unwavering support, regardless of how they choose to cope. Grief can manifest in a myriad of emotions, ranging from anger to apathy. Let us cultivate patience and understanding for each person's unique journey through grief.
6. Share Resources: Share literature, online resources, or local support groups that specialize in helping parents cope with the loss of a child. These resources can offer guidance and a sense of community for those in need. I have found childrenofjannah.com to be an amazing online resource for me during my journey of grief.
7. Be Thoughtful in Speech and Actions: Avoid phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain, such as "everything happens for a reason" or "you can try again." Instead, offer words of sympathy and support, such as "I'm here for you" and "I'm making dua for you." If you find yourself at a total loss for words, it’s okay to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and want to support you.”
8. Maintain Contact: Grief often continues long after the initial loss. Continue checking in on the parents, even as time goes on. Grief has no set timeline, and your ongoing support can be a tremendous source of comfort. As a parent who has experienced loss, just knowing that someone else remembers to ask about my daughter keeps me moving.
9. Make Du’a: Offer sincere supplications for the parents and their lost child. Let them know that you are remembering them in your prayers and ask for Allah's peace and healing to envelop them. There is real power in prayer. Your du’a for them is important.
10. Create a Safe Space: Foster a community environment where discussing infant loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage is not stigmatized or silenced. By openly addressing these topics, you create a safe space for grieving parents to share their experiences and find comfort in knowing they are not alone.
As I reflect on my journey of loss, I'm reminded that I, too, must heed the very advice I offer, as it holds the key to initiating a significant cultural shift.
We must actively reshape the narrative about the grieving parent. Throughout history, women have borne the weight of their child loss in silence, enduring excruciating pain. It is now our collective responsibility as a community to step up and extend unwavering support during these challenging times.
When I revisit my own grief, I can't help but ponder whether the load might have felt lighter and the path to healing smoother had we, as a united community, shared in the strength and compassion that binds us together.
Remember that your support can have a lasting impact on grieving parents. Islam emphasizes the importance of kindness and compassion, especially in times of difficulty. By embodying these principles, you can be a beacon of light and comfort for those who are navigating the path of grief.
The heart of a grieving mother is an amalgamation of pain and hope. The journey is formidable, yet within this journey lies a tenacity that propels us toward acceptance, healing, and an enduring love for our Creator.
Michelle Sekusky, an Ohio native, embraced Islam in 2011. In 2013, she enrolled in the Ribaat Academic Institute, studying traditional Islamic education under the guidance of Shaykha Dr. Tamara Gray. Her dedication to the Quran and Arabic led her to reside and study in Egypt for two years. Within the Columbus, Ohio community, Michelle served on the board of the Noor Islamic Cultural Center for four years and actively volunteered with local masjid committees, focusing on religious council, outreach, Islam 101, and youth. There, she also developed a support system for and worked closely with converts for eight years.
As an accomplished songwriter and vocalist, Michelle is known for writing, performing, and conducting workshops across the nation. Her foundation in the performing arts, cultivated during her time in middle and high school, was further enriched by touring during her college years. She is passionate about using music to connect women of all ages to their faith through nasheed and singing. Currently, she is a proud member of the Twin City Women’s Choir and serves on the board of Her Voice Productions.
Residing in Minnesota with her husband, Michelle is the Rabata Cultural Center Manager. She remains an enthusiastic student of the Ribaat Academic Institute and actively teaches for Rabata’s Dragonflies and Rabateens youth programs. She also contributes by supporting Rabata's Convert Care program, reaching over 2,500 women worldwide. In 2022, she obtained her ijaza (certification) in the 40 Hadith of Imam an-Nawawi. Recently, Michelle joined the speakers of the Islamic Resource Group (IRG), where she educates the wider community about Islam.
Beyond her professional endeavors, Michelle enjoys travel, reading, writing, and cherishing moments with loved ones, particularly in the great outdoors.